Too drunk friends are like plants. They are usually green and green things start coming out of them, they get real thirsty so you have to water them, and after some time passes they start drooping towards the ground. I always think they’d be great in my apartment but they just end up dying from […]
[Continue reading] about didn’t ask for a human plantIt was like high school all over again…
IT’s BEEN NICE TO BE BACK TEXAS THE PAST FEW DAYS, THE WEATHER UP NORTH HAD ME WRITING NOTHING BUT INSIDE JOKES. COMEDY ANTONIOCOMEDY.COM
[Continue reading] about It was like high school all over again…Dumb Therapist
I quit my job because my therapist told me to. Then I fired my therapist because I couldn’t pay him. Then I realized he’s a bad therapist because he got himself fired. So now I’m looking for a job. ORichardSarvate
[Continue reading] about Dumb TherapistLooking for women
I’m always on the lookout for women who are thin and smooth. That’s not a body type I’m attracted to, I just want to skip them on water. @EYELEW
[Continue reading] about Looking for womenat least it’s not a pack of wolves
It’s Lent, which is a time when you give up something you’re addicted to. Like gum. I’ll chew a pack of gum a day. So I’m giving up sexo It’s weird, I have gotten more offers during Lent. And I accept. So I’m glad I didn’t give the gum up. Caroline Twyman
[Continue reading] about at least it’s not a pack of wolvesApologies
If I ever need to apologize for anything, I always say: “Sorry, I was in a really bad place in my life back then.” Jeremy Kaplowitz @jeremysmiles Because it’s always true. “Hey you were being a real jerk to me this morning.” “Yeah, I was going through a lot of shit back in those days.”
[Continue reading] about ApologiesJerry Seinfeld
“l ONCE HAD A LEATHER JACKET that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren’t cows outside a lot of the time? When it’s raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! e’re going to ruin the w ole outfit here!’”‘ scoopWH00PC0M
[Continue reading] about Jerry Seinfeldmillennials adulting
Onlymiltemial use the term nadulting.” Actual adults act like Children.
[Continue reading] about millennials adultingMy NEPHEW and I. Definitely NOT my kid!!!
@TheKursh AUNTS OR UNCLES POSTING A PIC WITH THEIR NIECE OR NEPHEW, WILL NEVER FORGET TO SOMEHOW MENTION THAT IT’S NOT THEIR KID IN THE PIC.
[Continue reading] about My NEPHEW and I. Definitely NOT my kid!!!The Trevor and America
DID THIS GUY JUST “ALL LIVES MATTER” THE DREAMERS?DON’T GET ME WRONG: I’M NOT SAYI AMERICANS AREN’T DREAMERS. BUT THE TERM USED TO DEFINE A SPECIFI HOPE THAT YOUNG CHILDREN’ BROUGHT TO AMERICA BY THEIR PARENTS HAVE. NOW IT’S JUST THE DAILY SHOW I
[Continue reading] about The Trevor and AmericaIs this true?
I heard if you do heroin and watch Trainspotting at the same time it totally syncs up. @ProfessorDoye
[Continue reading] about Is this true?Optimism at its finest
I like to see the good side in a bad situation. Whenever I run into a Spiderweb I just pretend I crossed the finish line for a race I didn’t know I entered. Hard to throw up from fear when v b’ ina a fucki
[Continue reading] about Optimism at its finestA possible deterrent to mass shooters
The news needs to stop sharing the name, face, and motivation of mass shooters. This is the attention they’re looking for. Instead, they should only announce their PornHub browsing history. They’d be a lot less willing to die shooting up a mall in Utah knowing all anyone is going to remember about them is how […]
[Continue reading] about A possible deterrent to mass shootersHot topic. No not the store.
someone RALLY TOLD me uvuW A cun A uumm RIGHT. sune, Levs PLACe Gun ownensu• UP nme wma CLOTUIDG Ano sueLTeR. rve Gone 30 PLUS yens wmaout ownmc A menm. NO one m THIS Room un GO 30 DAYS WITHOUT ommanc A LITTLe WATeR. Ano IF YOU ‘An Tuen mane YOU neeD A cun TO […]
[Continue reading] about Hot topic. No not the store.Working out the Kinks
I’ve heard that using the pet-name ‘daddy’ can really spice things up romantically. But what I’ve found is most girls are very uncomfortable with just the idea of me calling them that. James OHara @Jaymzyboy
[Continue reading] about Working out the KinksPyrocynical 2018
„l really want to reach 200 billion subs by the end of next weel<." -Pyrocynical
[Continue reading] about Pyrocynical 2018