@WORDFRAGMENTS Workoutlingo is gross. +1 askéd’my wife how her workout went and she got all excited and s.id -‘My snatchyis 851bs.” Then I got all excited and had to go work on my clean and jerk.[Continue reading] about Omg Becky look at her squat.
EVERYONE WANTS BARBIE TO BE MORE wmcm GIRL, BUT BOY’S ACTION FIGURES ALWAYS SO JACKED AND HANDSOME. THE I IDENTIFY IS THEIR SMOOTH, FLAT CROTCH. @NICKOHLESSA[Continue reading] about Stretch Armstrong
Jeremy Kaplowitz @jeremysmiles My grandpa has dementia. And my grandma, she doesn’t care. She’s really into Broadway plays and she’s ruthless about it. So she drags him to all these shows and my grandpa hates them because he has absolutely no idea what’s going on. He can’t follow the story. After months of this, however, […][Continue reading] about Broadway
I recently learned that Ripley’s Believe it or Not predates the Guinness Book of World Records. I like to think it was originally just called Ripley’s and after too many people objecting he added the rest of the title out of frustration. Which means Ripley had a chance to monopolize the World Record market until […][Continue reading] about Don’t Stop Not Believing
According to Trump’s doctor, he’s six- foot-three two hundred pounds. Itm six-foot-three two hundred fifty,piné pounds. It’s just a little weiid looking ae Donald Trump and thinking *That’s my goal weight? * @mattgubser[Continue reading] about Weightgate
@MarleyFromCLE THE FOUNDER OF IKEA PASSED AWAY TODAY; NOT BECAUSE HE WAS 91 YEARS OLD BUT BECAUSE ONE OF HIS DRESSERS FELL APART AND CRUSHED HIM TO DEATH.[Continue reading] about RIP IKEA
“People complain about college being so expensive. I don’t get it, I got my degree from the University of Phoenix online very affordably with a Groupon.” ocovææ ADDDCT[Continue reading] about Good for 16 credit hours or less.
THE UNiTED STATES OF RUSSiA BEN ROSENFELD MY FRIENDS JUST GOT ENGAGED. THEY’RE PLANNING THEIR WEDDING, AND HE WANTS A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING THEME. BUT SHE WANTS A STAR TREK THEME. AND I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT NO MATTER WHO WINS, THE REAL LOSER WILL BE THEIR CHILDREN. COMEDY DYNAM’CS[Continue reading] about There are no winners
I was at Denny’s on my birthday for a free breakfast because I lead a sad life. Denny’S tastes ike the waitresse look Ahläing. BLT COMEDY none[Continue reading] about Denny’s
“MY fitness goal is to become muscular enough so that people no longer snicker at me when I’m eating a Go-Gurt.” Paul Jensen[Continue reading] about Followed by a Capri Sun
went out for drinks with a friend, we stayed until the bar closed. Next day I texted him: “Dude, I got so drunk last night, I blew a hundo!” . Like spent $100. My phone autocorrected to “Blew a • hindi.” My friend texted back, “If you needed money for a itaxi, you should have […][Continue reading] about Blew a hindi
OPINIONS ARE LIKE NIPPLES, EVERYBODY HAS THEM AND MEN SHOULDN’T USE THEM FOR BRERSTFEEDING @CHRISPURCHASE?[Continue reading] about Breasts
I SMOKED SOME WEED LASTNIGHT CALLED “TOM CRUISE PURPLE”. I DIDN’T EVEN GET HIGH GOTWASTHE UNSHAKEABLE FEELING THAT LEAH REMINI NEEDS HER OWN GOD DAMN BUSINESS[Continue reading] about All Hail Xenu
O r THEY CAY IT WOMAN SECONDS MAKE VP ABOVTA CW. WWCV EXACTLY WOW LONC TO CAY CC0METvwc grvpto. l/ galtep amison[Continue reading] about The reason I’m single..
GET IT: SPACE SO W I s BIG N WE’RE SMALL D ‘YOU W A t.lNA DO? GETTING KICKED BILL BURR BALLS STILL 2018 HURTS[Continue reading] about I get it space is big and we’re small…
“The fact that there are people uglier than me who can look in the mirror each and every day and tell themselves we did not evolve from apes displays such supreme arrogance that if their god did exist, he would surly strike them down @j_ruther[Continue reading] about The ugly truth.