When people find out I’m in a band they always say something stupid. Last week a coworker said, “Oh you’re in a band? What’s it called? Maybe I’ve heard of you guys. n Yeah, I’m in fucking Coldplay. …you haven’t heard of my band. Eric Navarro @ericfries2hard
[Continue reading] about Were you under the impression a famous person worked in this warehouse?Indian Food
on’t get why people complain about Indian food. T ey say it gives them the shits. But food should do that. @ArjunBanerjee7
[Continue reading] about Indian FoodFurniture
iive as w II progr mterseciionals fas, Which half thouglü&-n my business. Twitter & Inst gra @dylanpayne 8
[Continue reading] about FurnitureDead bedrooms
My wife and I like to stay in old hotels or Bed and Breakfasts. Whenever I make the reservation, I ask for the most haunted room they have, but I want them to say “romantic” instead of “haunted” when we check in. “Good afternoon sir, you’ll be staying in Room 13 tonight. I trust you’ll […]
[Continue reading] about Dead bedroomsDog People
Owning a dog has been a great way to meet a lot of other guys who thought a dog would help them meet women. I show up to the park and everyone’s like, “You too?” @hackcomstock
[Continue reading] about Dog PeopleFaith Hill
Crowing up I knew very little about country music. So imagine my surprise as an adult man when I lea Fäißh was a real person. I always thought Faith Hill was a confederate Mcgraw was married to.
[Continue reading] about Faith HillNot a bad 1st sus. YouTube cc. I’m doing this right, yeah?
totally just botched my whole set talking about my fake wiener
[Continue reading] about Not a bad 1st sus. YouTube cc. I’m doing this right, yeah?Rosetta Stone
I really made an attempt to learn a second language, with Rosetta Stone but, the instructions were in Spanish. @Ale veryisdead
[Continue reading] about Rosetta StoneFood conspiracy theory
I DON’T GET WHY WE GIVE SOMETHINGS NEW WORDS JUST TO MAKE THEM FANCY. LIKE TOAST? THAT’S JUST COOKED BREAD. AND COUSCOUS? JUST TORN UP BITS OF PASTA!
[Continue reading] about Food conspiracy theoryStephen keeping it real
O/ maybe principals should scout the— shooting ra ges. _see a good sh t, “Congra ulations, you’re teaching AP Chemistry.” Stephen Colbert
[Continue reading] about Stephen keeping it realI see England, I see France…
In England, as a courtesy to tourists, they paint “Look Right” at their crosswalks. In France, it just says “Kill Yourself”. @MrFairyRoberts stevenrobertscomedian.com
[Continue reading] about I see England, I see France…I guess it’s still better than AOL
When someone gives me a Yahoo email address I immediately judge them. I think, “Gross, people still use Yahoo? How is Yahoo still around? Don’t they know there are so many better options?” Yahoo is the new Kmart. @KeuinlsraeI NJ www.KeuinlsraeI.com
[Continue reading] about I guess it’s still better than AOLBreakups are better with appetizers
Misery doesn’t love company. Misery loves a serving of queso meant for company. @adeacon
[Continue reading] about Breakups are better with appetizersDrugs cause school shootings???
The governor ofKentucky just said that psychedOdrugs caused schooßhpotings It psy hed drugs school shootings I would haue shot unhe “Magic School Bus” bytiOW
[Continue reading] about Drugs cause school shootings???Take extra good care of your wait staff.
I THINK PEOPLE HAVE NEVER A SERVICE INDUSTRY JOB woun BE MORE KIND AND UNDERSTANDING IF THEY COULD TRADE PLACES WITH SERVER, THAT COOK, OR THAT BARTENDER FOR JUST 5 SECONDS. BECAUSE THEY WOULD HOW HUNGOVER WE AU ARE. @NICKOHLESSA
[Continue reading] about Take extra good care of your wait staff.I prefer the six page MapQuest Printouts from the nineties.
“l love how amazing GPS technology is, and how flawed it can still be. When you are making that critical first turn, what does it say when you have mere seconds to react? Turn south on Fairfax Ave. Bitch, I don’t have a compass. What do I look like? Magellan? Ever hear of left or […]
[Continue reading] about I prefer the six page MapQuest Printouts from the nineties.