i Health insurance is notoriously crappy when it comes to covering mental illness. Like if I decided to kill myself by putting a bunch of rocks into my pocket and walking into the ocean, my insurance would charge me a copay on the rocks And then bill me for using an out-of-network body of water. […]
Health benefits aside, Vaping’s better than Smoking because if you want to avoid a conversation outside of a bar, you can just fake a dead battery and leave. Cigarettes, on the other hand, are just fiery hourglasses thatlet homeless people know how much,time they haver left to-talk to you. @bennettbrowntm BENNETTT.COM
Jeremy Kaplowitz @jeremysmiles My grandpa has dementia. And my grandma, she doesn’t care. She’s really into Broadway plays and she’s ruthless about it. So she drags him to all these shows and my grandpa hates them because he has absolutely no idea what’s going on. He can’t follow the story. After months of this, however, […]
ARE YOU GOING TO BE ALONE? OR ARE YOU GOING TO BE WITH SOMEBODY ELSE? ARE YOU GOING TO BE SANE? OR NOT LONELY?
Are gou kiddingpe?i I got arrestedfpga I The crowd kept “dont take him a
Bill Nye is of shit. His official title is “science guy”. That’s not a thing. He’s not ‘ “Dr. PhD”. He’s got a science-Y looking face SO he just gets to teach uS stuff? If I get in a car wreck, f please don’t take me to Bob Jones “surgery guy”. Instagram@gregbjlletcomedv
My wife insisted on getting a nude sculpture of me made for Christmas. I call it my statue of limitations. cott @scott www. olander olander htsahdpranks.com
I GOT KICKED OUT OF AN ASIAN RESTAURANT, RECENTLY. THERE WERE A BUNCH OF CATS IN THE WINDOWS AND I THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE ONE OF THOSE FANCY RESTAURANTS WHERE YOU CAN PICK YOUR OWN LOBSTER. WAS A @ALWOSAIBI ON INSTAGRAM
@FenCheeks I’m a cocktail wai r s . Th other day I brought this wom her dripk and she e miss, this isn’t what was like “E us I was I ke “Lady I went to college, th is ‘t wha anted either.” ANF 0 201 8 All Rights Reserved
The closest I will ever get to parenting is when I buy a. new cell phone and have to teach it all the curse words. Jeremy Kaplowitz @jeremysmiles
G.I.L.F PORN DOESN’T SOUND APPEALING… @HAMMOND ZACK UNTIL you REALIZE THERE ARE PEOPLE UNDER 40 WITH GRANDCHILDREN
Critics are saying my one man show “lacks diversity,” Jeremy Kaplowitz @jeremysmiles
You know you’re getting old, when you start carrying sexy black underwear in your ourse… So you can run to the bathroom and change out of your Soanx, before your boyfriend or date tries to have sex with YOU… Then, you know you’re really REALLY getting old or been with them too long, when you […]
Som peop have told “you can’t let o of the past” I’ll never forget that. Vancouver. Washington to Q w ± tbtewlng AlexAvery @AIexAveryis ead
I spilt my pro activ on some bubble Wråp, so the next da it turned into some pretty confident cellophane. AlexAvery @AIexAveyisdead
GOLF IS BECAUSE ITS THE ONLY SPORTWHEREYOU CAN GET PLAYING PART OF THE GAME IS STOPPING HALFWAYTOEATASANDWICH.