I’m a pretty reliable wingman… @aloacaoone …it you wanna go get some ings, your man.
EVERYONE WANTS BARBIE TO BE MORE wmcm GIRL, BUT BOY’S ACTION FIGURES ALWAYS SO JACKED AND HANDSOME. THE I IDENTIFY IS THEIR SMOOTH, FLAT CROTCH. @NICKOHLESSA
Jeremy Kaplowitz @jeremysmiles My grandpa has dementia. And my grandma, she doesn’t care. She’s really into Broadway plays and she’s ruthless about it. So she drags him to all these shows and my grandpa hates them because he has absolutely no idea what’s going on. He can’t follow the story. After months of this, however, […]
I recently learned that Ripley’s Believe it or Not predates the Guinness Book of World Records. I like to think it was originally just called Ripley’s and after too many people objecting he added the rest of the title out of frustration. Which means Ripley had a chance to monopolize the World Record market until […]
According to Trump’s doctor, he’s six- foot-three two hundred pounds. Itm six-foot-three two hundred fifty,piné pounds. It’s just a little weiid looking ae Donald Trump and thinking *That’s my goal weight? * @mattgubser
@MarleyFromCLE THE FOUNDER OF IKEA PASSED AWAY TODAY; NOT BECAUSE HE WAS 91 YEARS OLD BUT BECAUSE ONE OF HIS DRESSERS FELL APART AND CRUSHED HIM TO DEATH.
“People complain about college being so expensive. I don’t get it, I got my degree from the University of Phoenix online very affordably with a Groupon.” ocovææ ADDDCT
I was at Denny’s on my birthday for a free breakfast because I lead a sad life. Denny’S tastes ike the waitresse look Ahläing. BLT COMEDY none
THE UNiTED STATES OF RUSSiA BEN ROSENFELD MY FRIENDS JUST GOT ENGAGED. THEY’RE PLANNING THEIR WEDDING, AND HE WANTS A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING THEME. BUT SHE WANTS A STAR TREK THEME. AND I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT NO MATTER WHO WINS, THE REAL LOSER WILL BE THEIR CHILDREN. COMEDY DYNAM’CS
“MY fitness goal is to become muscular enough so that people no longer snicker at me when I’m eating a Go-Gurt.” Paul Jensen
went out for drinks with a friend, we stayed until the bar closed. Next day I texted him: “Dude, I got so drunk last night, I blew a hundo!” . Like spent $100. My phone autocorrected to “Blew a • hindi.” My friend texted back, “If you needed money for a itaxi, you should have […]
OPINIONS ARE LIKE NIPPLES, EVERYBODY HAS THEM AND MEN SHOULDN’T USE THEM FOR BRERSTFEEDING @CHRISPURCHASE?
I SMOKED SOME WEED LASTNIGHT CALLED “TOM CRUISE PURPLE”. I DIDN’T EVEN GET HIGH GOTWASTHE UNSHAKEABLE FEELING THAT LEAH REMINI NEEDS HER OWN GOD DAMN BUSINESS
O r THEY CAY IT WOMAN SECONDS MAKE VP ABOVTA CW. WWCV EXACTLY WOW LONC TO CAY CC0METvwc grvpto. l/ galtep amison
GET IT: SPACE SO W I s BIG N WE’RE SMALL D ‘YOU W A t.lNA DO? GETTING KICKED BILL BURR BALLS STILL 2018 HURTS
“The fact that there are people uglier than me who can look in the mirror each and every day and tell themselves we did not evolve from apes displays such supreme arrogance that if their god did exist, he would surly strike them down @j_ruther