I finally decided to lose weight. Not because I wanted to live longer or get a “revenge bodil after my break up. But because I’m getting dangerously close to being fat enough where if I get shot it will be labelled another example of a mass shooting. Mike Amory @TheMikeAmory
[Continue reading] about We Could Have Stopped This Tragedy With Diet ControlNot A Chance.
Was wondering if I would have survived if I was born 50,000 years ago and then I got a otification from app that reminds m to drink water every 45 minutes. AARON ZARABI
[Continue reading] about Not A Chance.Sometimes women make up an excuse NOT to date.
Sometimes I think women make up an excuse not to go out on a date. I asked out a girl I knew and this is what happened. Me – “Do you want to go out?” Girl – “No, I don’t date guys I work with. Me – “But you’re unemployed.” Matin Comedy Girl – “So […]
[Continue reading] about Sometimes women make up an excuse NOT to date.Nazi Friends
A GOOD PERCENTAGE OF FRIENDS ARE NAZIS. MY THAT PERCENTAGE 1 S ZERO. THAT’S A GOOD PERCENTAGE OF NAZI FRIENDS TO HAVE. @CHANNELPERRI
[Continue reading] about Nazi FriendsDrugs cause school shootings???
The gouernor just said that psychedeT@drugs cause school shootings If osychedelic d(ugs caused school shootings I would haue shot Magic School Bus by now
[Continue reading] about Drugs cause school shootings???Dog People
Owning a dog has been a great way to meet a lot of other guys who thought a dog would help them meet women. I show up to the park and everyone’s like, “You too?” @hackcomstock
[Continue reading] about Dog PeopleBreak-ups are hard enough
My girlfriend broke up with me recently. But my ex is genderqueer. Which I argue makes the whole thing even worse. Because in order to respect their preferred pronouns… …it sounds like I got rejected by a gang of people. @TheBiIlyProcida
[Continue reading] about Break-ups are hard enoughI call BS
Republicans are saying violence in video games and television is causing young people to go out and commit violent roes. But] don’t think that’s true because I watch a lot o porn, and I never go out and get laid. Instagram: idontrememberyourname ftwitter: @elijah_holbrook
[Continue reading] about I call BSIt’s a choose your own adventure
both my parents wanted my sex to be a surprise, and to this day they still have no clue @AIexAveryisdead
[Continue reading] about It’s a choose your own adventureThe struggle is small…
IF SOMEBODY IS WONDERING WHERE I’M FROM, I’M ASIAN AND IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME, I HAVE A DICK TO PROVE IT. LET ME TRY TO GIVE!VOU ANOTHER EXAMPLE.YHENEVER:I SEE A WOMAN WITH A ASS, WONDEWIF MY-DICK CAN REACH.HER ASSHOLE.
[Continue reading] about The struggle is small…Just had to follow a rapper….
He was a white Christian ranoer in a wheelchair “Hot Mlheels” And one of his lines was, ‘”lean, it’s clear to.see ewerymie IManna be like me” Yean, no. The only time I like to bein a Mlheelchair is when I’m at Disney IMorId
[Continue reading] about Just had to follow a rapper….Not genetically blessed
Since I was a little kid I knew that just by looking at my family’s genetic, I definitely going to torn into a hairy bastard. Every time I would go to a crowded beach, I’m not saying that my father was the hairiest person among all men.. what I’m saying is that my mother definitely […]
[Continue reading] about Not genetically blessedWhen drinking goes wrong
My friend has dyslexia but has it under control until he gets drunk. One night, we got blackout drunk and I passed out first. Woke up and my friend was laughing. I ran to the mirror and that’s when I realized he pranked me. He drew his face on my dick. @CWallaceComedy
[Continue reading] about When drinking goes wrongConfusing Feminist
My-Ex-girlfriend was a Feminist”She liked rough sex Shough so;ityes confusing. She’d be like släp,me, and i’m – like no notfalling :for that *sthats a trape @PAULSPRATT
[Continue reading] about Confusing FeministBack in my day…
If you think you hate ISIS, then imagine being A1-Qaeda, somewhere in a cave, watching ISIS thrive on TV and being like “Stupid Millennials” – @Mohanadelshieky
[Continue reading] about Back in my day…Spotty service.
My phone plan advertises “unlimited gigs” but they haven’t even booked me once. @CJHernandez ampa, FL
[Continue reading] about Spotty service.