I experimented in college. ; Yes, I did Parkour. Anybody else? I didn’t suck a dick, I broke two ribs… So now, I can suck my own. Pretty cool. Twitter @russell mania IG @zachrussellcomedy[Continue reading] about I experimented in college
@ron_flem My uncle was in Vietnam and he never fired his gun. He takes pride in the fact that he didn’t have to. He used a knife.[Continue reading] about The War
I got fired from a weed factory It’s 0k though It was just a gateway job PIC•COLLAGE[Continue reading] about Weed Factory
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been halfway through pitchina a show before 7 realize its Doctor Quinn Medicine Woman Ve/jvffscomed/[Continue reading] about Tonight at 8
We’re deeply entrenched in house shopping. Last weekend, we looked at 8 eight houses in one day. Eight! That really affects your psyche. On our way home we stopped to use the bathroom. While in the men’s room, I found myself looking around, thinking, “they really could have done a lot more with this space. […][Continue reading] about Mixer Upper
I’m a veteran, and for the past few weeks people have been asking me to explain the Iran situation to them. I am not uualified to do that. I dont know the difference between Disneyland and Disney World. Pete Stegemeyer @itsoeterj[Continue reading] about I can shah you the world
I’m a Capricorn, Libra Rising, Aquarius Moon. Which means I don’t believe in astrology, but I’ll listen when you talk about your interests. @NOAHVBUCKLEY[Continue reading] about Ravenclaw, INTP Rising, April Ludgate Moon
“When Iwas younger I wanted to be like Dr. Dre because he smoked weed every day. Now that I’m older I want to be like Dr. Dre because he’s a millionaire that can afford to smoke weed every day.” Qcop @thomtellsjokes[Continue reading] about *10 seconds of silence* Smoke Weed Every Day
I went to the gas station There was a lady in line who asked for $70 on pump 5 $70! That blew my mind! I can barely do like 25… I didn’t even realize You could fit $70 in one bank account Chase Myska[Continue reading] about Pumped to share this one
They say “a drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts. ” Which is absolutely insane, because one time this drunk homeless dude yelled “Fuck you! You look like a cool ranch dorito! ” And if this man’s sober thoughts are that I, a male human being, look like a delicious triangular corn chip, then […][Continue reading] about I’d say I’m more of a Routte Dorito. 1 in 6 chance imma be a spicy boi.
e You know what the best feeling in the world IS? When you finally take the time to call a friend you haven’t spoken with in years. And they don’t answer the phone. @funnymanfields[Continue reading] about God, the relief…
My girlfriend says I’m stubborn and not open-minded but really I just don’t like things up my ass. mnez[Continue reading] about Stubborn
I’m a skinny guy. My friends say, ‘Don’t you want to be strong and look big?’ Why does it matter? ‘Because if you’re big when women go out with you, they feel safe.’ Yeah, but because I’m skinny they feel safe when we’re at home. @danmuggleton[Continue reading] about Where do you spend more time?
I’ve been hearing a lot lately that “Women should catcall men.” We do. Just not the ugly ones. Men & women catcall differently- men catcall their fantasy, right? “I’d hit it!” When women catcall, we catcall our consent. “I’d let him!” OOO @MONNACOMEDY MONNACOMEDY.COM[Continue reading] about Catcalling
“l buy magnum condoms, Qcop Not because my dick is big, it’s just claustrophobic!’ @thomtellsjokes[Continue reading] about 3.57” Magnum
I’m a home wrecker. I married a man who was already in a committed relationship. With his mother. You should marry a Mama’s boy. Theres nothing more;satlsfylng than stealing anothewwoman’s little bltch. Angela Owen Walker[Continue reading] about Home Wrecker