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standup comedy screencaps
-EVERY TIME THERE’S ANOTHER MASS SHOOTING, SOMEONE GOES ON TV TO MAKE THE CASE THAT GUNS DONT KILL PEOPLE, PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE AND THAT PEOPLE COULD JUST AS EASILY COMMIT MASS MURDERS WITH KNIVES” -IF 100 PEOPLE EVER GOT STABBED AT THE SAME TIME, IN THE SAME PLACE BY THE SAME PERSON, YOU KNOW WHAT […]
1 USED TO BE IN A CULT, BUT BEFORE WE ALL COMMITTED GROUP SUICIDE BY DRINKING THE KOOL-AID, 1 SNAPPED OUT OF IT AND BROKE THE PUNCH BOWL. PEOPLE WERE CONFUSED AND EVEN CRYING, BUT 1 KNEW THAT 1 SAVED THEM FROM THE APPY 8TH BIRTHDAY RGARET CULT. A ID POTASHNIK
MY MOM TOLD ME THAT IF I’M PATIENT, I’LL BE ABLE TO FIND TRUE LOVE. SO, I’M TRYING NOT TO BE PATIENT. I DON’T REALLY WANT ANYONE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH ME. I’VE SEEN A COUPLE NICHOLAS SPARKS MOVIES. THAT SHIT LOOKS FUCKING ROUGH JACOB LITFIELD GET-LITFIELD STREAMING NOW!
I’m sure those massage parlors are wonderful, but nobody gives stress-relieving “happy endings” like Planned Parenthood. @Inf_Adel
I’m sure those massage parlors are wonderful, but nobody gives stress-relieving “happy endings” like Planned Parenthood. @Inf_Adel
LIKE YOV I “School shootings are a necessary force within the education atmosphere. They’re like extinction events. They thin out the herd at random. No preference. Cats, dogs, lizards, dinosaurs. Those water cockroach things. Jocks, nerds, Sallies, Chads. Those transfer student cockroach things, what are those called? Turks?” *Laughs* “I’m just sayin’. Triassic, Jurassic, Cretaceous, […]
All around me are familiar faces Worn-out places, worn-out faces Bright and early for theirdålyraces Going nowhere, going nowbere Their tears are filling up theirælasses No expression, noexpressi8n Hide my head, I wanna drown No tomorrow, notomorrow [Hook] And I find it kind offunny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which T […]
All around me are familiar faces Worn-out places, worn-out faces Bright and early for their dåly races Going nowhere, going nowbere Their tears are filling up theirglasses No expression, no expressi8n Hide my head, I wanna drown m sorrow No tomorrow, no tomorrow [Hook] And I find it kind of funny I find it kind […]
@tomsegura You ever go down a rabbit hole online, And you’re like, “I’m shopping for the private jet that beSt suits my needs!” “Fifty three million dollars…” and then like six hours have gone by. “I think I found it, this is it right here, the G550. How much is this? Place order…” “Well, maybe […]
My wife a rich’doctor. I take @TheJoeMatarese Adderall becaus I have Otand Up, Sit Down Anger Issue ocas I Whileshe’s out there curing ills, I’m at home poppin’ FUCKIN’ pills!!
I did a triple flip onceguringsex. Not sure how many points it was worth, but I totally, “nailed” it:.. and then I ended the program with a, “lutz” just be friends. @NickYBernal