I find that my attractiveness is directly proportional to how available a certain drink is in an area. The drink? Diet Mountain Dew. I’m a West Virginia 9. In NYC, you can get it; but it’ll take some work. Same with me. Pete Stegemeyer @itspeterj
I read online today that more and more people are naming their daughters Khaleesi. There is no character In Game of Thrones named Khaleesi. It’s a character’s title in the show. At best it means “Horse Queen.” At worst it means “Sex Slave.” Those are your two options. I have figured out the people I […]
Masturbation is like Ramen. If you have to do it it’s depressing. If you choose to do it. It’s the best thing in the world. Mike Logan @lcecoldcomedian
Never own a truck. I bought a truck once and immediately my sister asked me to help her move. I really let her have it, I mean she never helps me with anything. She just lays around getting fat. It’s all her fault, she could move herself if she hadn’t been texting and driving. Scott […]
Recently I got a vasectomy and my friends keep asking me, “What if you decide you want to have kids?” Look. I have an identical twin brother…who’s been on Jerry Springer. That kid wasn’t going to be mine no matter how much it looked like me. @TysonCoxComedy
Greyhound is just jail that moves. antoniocomedy.com
I was a bully in grade school. One day the teacher tried to teach me a lesson by folding a piece of paper. Saying each fold was something hurtful and even unfolded you can still see the damage. She made me keep the paper. I took it home, ironed it, and turned it in like […]
The next time somebody comes up to you and tells you that Jesus died for your sins go like this: What? He dies?! I was reading that book, man.
Austin isn’t weird. Portland isn’t weird. Cities full of fake-smart comfortable white liberals with owl tattoos aren’t weird. They’re boring.
Every single time a man sleeps with a lot of women he’s called a stud, but if a woman sleeps with a lot of men she’s called a slut. People think this is unfair. Nah. It’s completely fair, and I’ll tell you why. It’s fucking easy to be a slut. It’s fucking hard to be […]
I’m not much for exercise. The last time I experienced a runner’s high was when that dog took off with my baggie of OG Kush. Scott Bolander @scottbolander
I want my last words to be: Andy’s coming, quick act like a toy! @nickohlessa
I love New York but if it was an acronym, it would stand for: “Neurotic Experiences While Overstepping Rats Kissing” Jeremy Kaplowitz | @jeremysmiles
Some people love gloomy skies and some hate them. I just think there’s a lot of gray area. @thilosavage
One good thing about being chubby is I can get most of the wrinkles out of my clothes just by wearing them.
Bitcoin is pretty crazy. Did you all hear about the guy selling fake coins with no value and a bunch of people bought in? His name was Ben Bernanke, he worked at the Federal Reserve.